What do you think of this piece of writing from my book?

When you describe Porter Blair try not to use I. Give some sort of story behind the character. Example: 'Five days ago my life was just like any normal 17 year old. I lived with my parents in Ottawa, Ontario...' Don't use parentheses when referring to the tests (Don't do this: "tests" but do this: tests). Instead of "You should trust me because I was here like you." Write something a real person would say. People would say "Porter, trust me. They made me do this too..." Also fix grammar.